What's as prevalent as porn torrents? Feature films a couple scenes short of being hidden behind the counter. These days just about anyone can make a Showgirls, a Basic Instinct, hell, even an episode of Californication (if anyone can explain to me how playing an alien conspiracy theorist Federal agent qualifies you to become the Cable Softcore King, I will send you David Duchovny's stash). But where is the artistry in Wild Things, I ask you? Two soaking wet hotties making out is not rocket science, it's shooting fish in a barrel. What about those movies that make you say, "I can't believe this is turning me on"? Aye, there's the, uh, rub. Ahem.
6. The Ninth Gate
What it's about: Johnny Depp plays a brooding rare books dealer hired by a rich-creepy-and-eccentric Frank Langella to authenticate a work supposedly written by the Devil. Depp teams up with the demonic yet irresistible Lena Olin to find that, while Frank Langella is not worthy of summoning Satan, he is. Toss in a few dead women in wheelchairs and satanic cults, and you've got a mystery truly worthy of the Dark Lord.
Why we're ashamed: In the last reel, we see Frank Langella go up in flames a la Joan of Arc, but for Satan. This sets ablaze the abandoned 17th century castle housing the main cast because, well, where else do you try to summon the Devil? Depp and Olin escape, only to stop outside the gates and get it on. But wait, there's more. Mid-coitus, Olin starts to get her demon on, which is both terrifying and H.O.T.
Why we shouldn't be: First, danger = adrenaline = arousal. This is a biological fact, and I certainly don’t feel guilty about it. Second, there's something to be said for sex so great it might kill you. This includes sex with demons. And lastly, having sex with a demon is like having sex with a member of the Devil's crew. Sleeping with the famous and powerful is one of history's tried and true aphrodisiacs.
5. A History of Violence
What it's about: Viggo Mortensen was a mobster type back in Philadelphia, but is now a small Midwestern diner owner who spends his time having very non-Midwestern sex with his wife, Maria Bello. One day, Viggo unleashes a tightly controlled burst of violence and catches the eye of his former mob boss (Ed Harris), outing his past to his family. No longer up for Father of the Year, Viggo spends the rest of the movie trying to patch up the whole "I've lied to you about my entire past" thing.
Why we're ashamed: After the cat is out of the bag, relations are strained between Viggo and Maria, culminating in an intensely erotic sex scene. Bello tries to walk out on a fight. Viggo grabs her by the neck. Some grappling ensues, and rage becomes aggressive-yet-consensual sex. These are the sorts of scenes that director David Cronenberg does best.
Why we shouldn't be: If make-up sex is the best, it’s only because it’s fueled by anger, frustration, attraction, and the desire to deliver forgiveness punishingly. It says, "I'm big enough to look past the stupid things you've done, but I want to make sure you don’t do them again." There's no shame in appreciating the mixed emotions that come with real sex, even in the Midwest.
4. Secretary
What it's about: With a filmography featuring such gems as Sex, Lies and Videotape and 2 Days in the Valley, James Spader should be the poster child for Sex We're Ashamed to be Turned On By. But Secretary takes things to a new level. Spader is a lawyer who can't seem to keep a secretary, until emotionally damaged Maggie Gyllenhaal joins his Steno Pool of One. ****The professional relationship slowly develops into an S&M one, until the movie ends with the happy couple finding their way together. ****
Why we're ashamed: Don't you hate it when movies claim to have S&M, but it turns out to be vanilla with a leather bracelet or two? Part of our shame in watching this movie comes from the fact that it is entirely sexual with very little actual sex involved. Early on, Gyllenhaal bends over Spader’s desk while stuntedly reading an ill-written letter she prepared. Spader spanks the begeezus out of her, then they briefly cross fingers with one another. This is the sort of hot that forces you to look nervously around the room at others afterwards.
Why we shouldn't be: No need to be embarrassed, there's no actual sex! Hooray! Raised Catholic and feel guilt just for feeling? When you and your partner are comfortable enough to ask for what you want out of sex, no one gets upset, tells you you're sick, calls the cops, gets a restraining order, then tells all your friends that you're a freak, practically guaranteeing no one asks you to the senior formal. Freedom is a beautiful thing, but sexual freedom is boiling hot.
3. Code 46
What it's about: Standard dystopian future. Lights are brighter. Life is joyless. Genetic manipulation and cloning have become commonplace, creating the need for a Code 46: having sex with someone genetically related to you. Enter Tim Robbins, a dystopian government lackey sent to catch Samantha Morton, a forger. They are hopelessly attracted to one another, and, you guessed it, discover they are genetically related. They violate the Code 46 anyway. Morton is outcast, and Robbins is brainwashed back to his wife and kids.
Why we're ashamed: How does one violate a Code 46? In this case, the woman asks you to force her, you tie her down firmly, then feel her body writhe away from you while you do the deed. Sure, Morton struggles, moans, and even cries a bit throughout. But afterward, she thanks him. Want to double your shame? The Robbins-Morton coupling is a Code 46 violation because Morton is a clone of Robbins' mother. Talk about Oedipal.
Why we shouldn't be: To say this scene plays to the standard rape fantasy is an understatement, despite the fact that it is not a rape. Nothing is quite so smarmy as "Your body says No, but your eyes say Yes", but in this case, it is completely accurate. The arousal from this scene comes from having the psychological insight into what Morton wants, despite all outward appearances. The fact that she looks like his mom as a young woman is just icing.
2. Tampopo
What it's about: This quirky little Japanese film follows a mousy noodle shop owner (Nobuko Miyamoto) on her quest to become a real ramen chef. Interspersed throughout are a number of side plots, all involving the love of food. The shop owner becomes a ***quality ramen chef*** with the help of a Japanese cowboy truck driver (Ken Watanabe), a homeless man, and a chauffeur.
Why we're ashamed: One of the side plots includes a white suit-wearing Yakuza ganster (Koji Yakusho) and his girlfriend (Fukumi Kuroda)who enjoy their relations using the foods delivered by room service. These include whipped cream, lemon juice and salt, and a couple drunken live shrimp. Enough said. Oh yeah, there's a raw egg later on, too.
Why we shouldn't be: Let's be honest. The food wasn't that shameful in its arousal, until the part with the shrimp. And why are we ashamed? Because we didn't know we could get shrimp drunk, trap them over someone's genitals, then watch them dance. Or maybe everyone knew but me. If so, screw you guys for not letting me in on this sooner. Just like they always told us in school, there's no shame in not knowing something, only willfully not knowing it.
1. Storytelling
What it's about: Selma Blair is an untalented writer in a college creative writing class, smitten with her militant black professor, Robert Wisdom. To take her writing up a notch, she pursues him and discovers he's a bit more than she knows how to handle. However, not being completely hopeless as a writer, she composes a story about it and presents it to her class. There's also a second half of the movie about a white, suburban family and its horrors, but who hasn't seen that before?
Why we're ashamed: At Wisdom's house, Blair discovers snapshots of two white girls tied up in submissive poses. In response, she looks herself in the mirror and chants, "Don't be a racist. Don't be a racist." While Blair undresses, Wisdom seems disinterested or possibly even disgusted, then asks her to repeat a racial slur+sexual command while he takes her aggressively. This scene was so risque that director Todd Solondz was given the choice of cutting it altogether or blotting out the couple with an orange rectangle. He went with the rectangle.
Why we shouldn't be: One of the few genuine taboos left in the Western world is the use of racial or ethnic slurs. Sex is universally agreed upon to be hotter when taboo. Hence, this scene is inherently sexy. That's what the critics say, anyway. I say it's a waste of effort being ashamed while being aroused watching this scene, because just depicts two people getting exactly what they want from each other.
